Torture By Candy
by ani-cat-candy
Summary: Everything was going fine for Altair until the author decides to throw herself and Ezio into the game with him - based off a dream I had - characters may be ooc
1. Chapter 1

Everything was going fine for Altair until the author decides to throw herself and Ezio into the game with him - based off a dream I had - characters may be ooc

A/N: This is just a crack-fic, so please don't take it seriously.

Ezio will speak the same as in the game; with the bits of Italian thrown in here and there (I just can't imagine him speaking any other way)

the Italian will be underlined and the translation will be in (these) things and also underlined on the next line [please note: I do not speak Italian, I'm just using a translator so please to forgive if anything is messed up?]

AND I do not own anything except Candice, Cat ans Candy- thankyou very much.

Altair waited for the guards to leave before hopping out of the roof-garden and down into the ally behind the building. His eyes grew wide in a slight surprise as just as he was about to step out into the street someone shouted "ASSASSIN!"

The crowd scattered in all directions as people started screaming and the guards came runing to where a man stood in the middle of the street, slightly confused before seeing the guards and sprinting away yelling "Cazzo!"

(fuck)

Thankfully, none of the guards noticed him there in the ally, but someone else did. As he made to leave for the streets again a small red-head popped out from around the corner, startling him.

"Hi, I'm Candy! That" She points in the direction the man had run off in "was Ezio. It's nice to finally get to meet you, Altair." She finished with a small bow before moving back a bit so he could exit the dingy ally.

"How do you know my name?" He received a big smile and cute tilt of the head in response before she told him. "Because you're the main character from one of my favorite games, Assassin's Creed and Ezio is the main character from Assassin's Creed 2."

He looked her over questioningly. She wore the same outfit as Ezio, cape and all, but with a katana instead of whatever the hell he dicided to have at the moment.. (I think it was a mallet..? Or a Pike? The giant hammer with the spike on one side.. that one.. yea.) Her butt-length red hair was pulled back into a neat braid while her hazel-green eyes studied his face, trying to memorize it now that she finally got to see it up close.

Ezio chose that moment to colapsd in the street just behind her. He tried to glare at her as he caught his breath. "Cagna"

(bitch)

She just smiled back at him before grabbing Altair's hand and running off in a random direction. "C'mon! Let's go have some fun!"

Altair noted, once the'd caught up to the girl, that they were in the poor district. "What are we doing here?"

Cat gave him a mischevious smile as she pulled out a few coins she'd snatched from a few dead guards earlier. "I love it when this happens in AC2.. hehe.. I bet it'll be even better here!"

The boys both looked confused, but went ahead and sat on the edge of the roof with her before she tossed a couple of coins into the middle of the crowd.

No sooner had the coins touched the ground, people started diving for them. They kicked, screamed, punched, bit and clawed at each other as they all tried to get those few coins, not caring who it was that they just gouged the eye out of.

Cat fell back in a laughing fit, holding her stomach as the boys were trying their hardest not to laugh. All this chaos over a few damn coins?

Ezio failed in his attempt not to laugh and joined cat to roll on the roof with laughter. Altair gave up and laughed a bit, but nowhere near as hard as the others.

After a few minutes, they calmed down, along with the riot on the streets below.

"That was great!" Candy called as she tried to catch her breath, Altair looking strangely at the sudden change in her voice.

She just smiled, knowing what had him so confused. "Multiple personalities. The one you just saw, that thew the coins, that was Cat. And there's another around here somewhere, Candice, but she rarely ever comes out so y'all just have Cat and I to worry about!"

The boys gave each other worried looks before groaning in defeat. This was going to be a long day.

A/N2: Seriously, wouldn't you just love to see that? It would get those damn beggers off of you for a while, at least.

I've already played AC2.. but not 1 yet.. my brother played that one when it first came out, but I didn't get to see all of it so now I'm playing through it..

Unfortunatly, my 3yo nephew decided to try and use the PS3 as a piggy-bank and stuck a penny in it, frying the disk-drive.

My brother **says** he's going to fix it, but it likely won't get fixed until a new game comes out that **he** wants to play.

Until then, I'm stuck with the Wii, which, in all honesty, is nowhere **near** as satisfying to kill things on as it is with the PS3.

There's going to be at least one more chapter.. not sure though.. I **have** to get in a little trick my mommy used to play on people with her friend when she was little!


	2. Chapter 2

Holy crap! two reviews on the first day the first chapter is up! That's.. wow... it's usually several months and a few chapters before even one review =0_o=

I feel so loved!

**Battle Of Will's **thanks for pointing out the mistake in the Italian.. I'm using Google Translator and that's all it gave me (it says it's slang). I just wish I could read ** ... (not trying to be rude, just can't fix it if I can't read it.. y'know?)

If anyone else finds any mistakes in the Italian, please do not hesitate to point it out. I shall be eternally grateful and give many huggles and cookies!

Anyways, ON WITH THE SHOW!

-

After a while, Cat decided things were getting a little boring, so she gave the boys each some giant Pixy-stix.. Altair only ate about half of one before Ezio sole it.

'_Oh dear God, help us all_' was the only thing Altair could think before the Italian pounced on him with a huge grin, then promptly ran off, attracting the attention of the near by guards.

"Infidel!" "Stop!" "Assassin!" They cried as they began chasing him. Little did they know he was on his first sugar-high. He just laughed as more guards joined the chase through the streets and over buildings.

"Look at 'em go!" Cat laughed as they ran past them again, Altair jumping out of the way so as not to get run over.

After a minute, when they didn't return, Candy grabbed his hand and started off in another random direction. "Let's go find something to do."

He groaned and hung his head in defeat. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't he just get a platoon of soldiers after him instead? The girl's constant smiling was driving him crazy.. He just wanted to cut it right off her face.

He looked down at her in confusion when he noticed they'd stopped and quickly regretted it. Cat was staring at him with lust-filled eyes. "Has anyone ever told you how hot you are when you have that look of bloodlust in your eyes?"

He quickly retreated when he saw a knife in her hand and heard her yell as she began to chase him "Wait! I just want to know what shade of red your blood is!"

She stopped when she caught sight of a guard down an ally releiving himself and got an idea.

The guard turned to get back to his post when he kicked something. He looked down to find a rather fat coin purse just laying there. "Well well! This must be my lucky day!"

He reached down to grab it, but it quickly moved just out of reach.

Confused, he tried again.. and again.. and again..

"What the hell? Come here damn it!" Candy giggled as the man yelled at the purse and pulled on the string when he reached for it again, causing him to yell at it some more.

After a few more tries, the guard turned around as if to leave, then tackled it.. well, tried anyway. It avoided capture yet again and sat teasingly just infront of his face.

He growled and swiped his hand at it only to have it dodge his hands yet again. "Grrrr.. GODDAMN IT! GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!!" He continued to chase it while on his hands and knees around the front of the building, ignoring the odd stares from the people on the street.

He stopped to rest a moment and think of how to get it to stop when a kid walked by, the coin purse catching his attention. "Ooh! Money!" And the guard watched in horror and disbelief as the boy easily grabbed it and ran off laughing happily.

"Haha! C'mon guys! My Nonna runs faster than you, and she's dead!" Candy looked up to see Ezio drop down from the building next to her and continue to run, laughing at and taunting the exhausted guards still chasing him... a couple of them giving up and just flopping down to rest.

(grandmother)

-

A/N: Well? Not very long, I know, but I'm out of ideas. =-__-U=

If y'all want some more, please send ideas, K?

*gives huggles and cookies* =^___^=


	3. Chapter 3

Altair sat on a bench to rest once he thought he'd lost the little nut-job, resting his head in his hands as he tried to catch his breath. He'd run all the way to the other side of Acre in record time after seeing her with that knife and prayed she wouldn't find him again.

He looked up when he heard laughter and caught sight of Ezio still running around, acting like a five year old. A couple of minutes later a guard flopped to the ground not too far away, exhausted from chasing the sugar-high assassin.

He shook his head and decided it would be best to leave before they found him again and headed for the city gates.

The guards had just changed shifts before he reached the busy street that lead to the gates. It was alright, though, he knew how to get by undetected.

Just as he was passing a rather large group of guards an all to familiar voice shouted out "ASSASSIN!"

He turned just in time to see the red-head run away with the crowd, laughing, before the guards attacked.

Ezio was looking for something to do as he was **way** too hyper to sit still for more than five seconds when Cat pulled him to the side and whispered something in his ear.

He mirrored her mischevious grin and ran off.

He poked his head out of the haystack to make sure all the guards were gone before getting out and brushing a few stray pieces from his cloths.

Now the guards were gone, all he had to do was sneak out of the city without her catching him again..'_Easier said than done_.' He thought to himself as he started toward another city gate.

He hadn't gotten more than three steps before a very loud, obnoxious noise went off right behind him, making him just about jump out of his skin.

Cat giggled at the death glare he gave her and hit the button on the air-horn again, causing him to jump yet again.

Altair pulled out his sword and began chasing the little monster, swearing to kill her as slowly and painfully as possible.

The streets were annoyingly busy, so they'd taken to running across the roofs, Altair almost catching her long braid with his sword several times before she dropped down into the bureau and dashed down a thin hallway lined with bedrooms for the assassins.

She looked back to see him closing in on her before ducking into a random door.

He got to the door just before it closed all the way and threw it open, throwing her half-way across the room.

She looked around, panicking, trying to find a quick escape. Unfortunatly, she just happened to grab one of the few rooms with no windows.

She scooted backwards as quickly as she could as he stared down at her with pure hatred.

Her back soon hit the wall, causing her to whimper a bit as he stalked up to her, raising his sword, ready to get rid of the little pest and get back to his normal life.

She rolled out of the way just in time as the blade came down at her and she made a quick dash for the door as he took a second to pull the sword from a box that had been against the wall.

She just barely missed getting her head chopped off before stumbling out the door, which closed and locked on its own.

He tried to ram the door down and cursed loudly as it wouldn't budge, which was odd as they weren't usually that strong...

Suddenly his eyes grew wide as something crawled up his legs and he tried harder to get the door open.

Cat and Ezio sat in the hallway and waited, listening as the assassin trapped in the room tried to break the door down, cursing when it wouldn't budge. Then the pounding on the door increased until it sounded like he was panicking.

Then, there it was; a blood curdling scream followed by panicked begging to be let out as the two in the hallway could no longer keep themselves from laughing.

It was a sad day, indeed, for the Master Assassin as Cat knew his true weakness. Not water (that was second).

Spiders.

Altair was deathly afraid of the eight-legged critters that Cat, Candy and Candice all loved.

Oh, how wonderful it was to hear the terrified screams all across the city ~3

-

-

A/N: Want more? Then send me some ideas! I'm out at the moment.

I got the spider idea from my sister-in-law as she found a **tiny** spider (I swear the thing was almost microscopic) on the wall of the kitchen and begged me to come kill it.. and ran screaming when I held it up to show her how tiny and cute it was.. No I didn't kill it, I just put it outside.. I love spiders. They're the only thing with more than four legs that I like.. They're good! They eat bugs!

Anyways, send me some more ideas and I'll give you some chocolate cake! ~3


	4. Chapter 4

Ty for the reviews and ideas! I 3 y'all!

* * *

-

Late at night we find Altair landing flat on his face into the dirt road, behind him a large man walks back into the brothel, grumbling to himself.

He eventually got back to his feet, quite unsteadily, and began walking in a completely random direction.

"I don't see what the big deal was.. The woman asked to see my hidden blade.. I was just complying with her request.." He thought aloud as he stumbled over an invisible rock..

hm.. There sure were a lot of those invisible rocks laying around tonight, judging from how often the Master Assassin stumbled as he made his way down the empty streets.

* * *

Candy yawned as she turned down yet another street.

The rafique had asked her to find Altair a few hours ago because he was worried about him. He'd never seen the Assassin so terrified as when he opened the door to one of the guest rooms (because he'd heard some strange noises) and the man came running out covered in tiny spiders.

After all the spiders were off of him, Altair just up and left without a word, just a strange look on his face.

But for the life of him, he could not figure out how he'd gotten locked in that room or where all the spiders came from.. Poor Rafique.

She'd enlisted the help of the Italian Stallion several hours ago.. She figured he could cover more ground than her in his current state of hyperactivity.

She yelped as something crashed into her, almost knocking her over, and immediately found herself in a large bear-hug as it stumbled a bit, laughing as it tried to regain it's balance.

She looked up to find that the thing that had crashed into her was actually Altair.

She tried to pull away from the horrid smell of cheep booze that just seemed to seep out of his every pore, making her want to throw up, but he just laughed and planted a big sloppy kiss on her.

"Gya! I really wouldn't have minded that so much were you not shit-faced-drunk." She said as she managed to pull away from the man.

"Dear GOD! That reminds me of when I was little and my aunt would show up at my birthday parties drunk and chase me around, trying to kiss me!" She shivered at the horrid memories before Altair's stomach interrupted her with a loud growl.

He looked thoughtful for a moment before grabbing her hand and dragging her down the street back toward the beurou. "I want some mac 'n cheese!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Ezio bounced happily down another ally, still looking for his new friend.

"Altair! Where are you il mio amico?!" He called out again as he poked at a haystack with his sword and yelped when a scragly grey cat jumped out and latched onto his face.

(my friend)

He flung the flea-bag to back into the hay and moved on, checking where the cat got him to see if he was bleeding.

He then spotted a Templar taking a nap in the ally and was struck by a brilliant idea.

He easily snuck up to the snoring man and snapped his neck.

Unfortunately, the rest of his plan would have to wait for morning, so he hid the body in the haystack with the cat.

"Here you go my furry friend! Now you will not be so lonely in there, no?" He patted the kitty on the head before moving on to continue his search for the Master Assassin.. He'll return for his plan in the morning. ^____^

* * *

Cat was forced to make the mac 'n cheese while Altair went on and on about something or another that he and Malik did when they were kids.. It was hard to tell what he was saying due to his words becoming so slurred.

The Rafique was absolutely shocked when a very annoyed Cat returned, dragging a stumbling, drunken Altair into the beurou.

She hoped to hell that he'd have an extra bad hangover for making her suffer through his inane ramblings, the stench of alchohol, groping, and making him dinner with the threat of cutting off her beloved hair if she screwed it up.

And he wolfed down the entire box of mac without a single thankyou =(~__~#)=

Then he promptly began throwing up (on HER!)

-

* * *

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this up.. I had Hell thinking of how to move on after Ezio got attacked by Mr Scruffy-cat =(^___^U)=

But, anyways, we **will** have our revenge! *evil laughter*

Ideas are always welcome and encouraged!

*gives huggles and cookies to all the lovely readers and extras to those who review - and chocolate milk for those who give ideas!*

=(^____^)=V


	5. Chapter 5

Payback time! *laughs evily*

* * *

-

Altair woke to the sun glaring right in his eyes as his head pounded mercilessly.. but the cool stone floor felt good, although he couldn't quite remember how he'd gotten there.

He heard someone giggle quietly.. somewhere.. then something started poking him in the butt until he growled at it.

Then the poking just got worse until he sat up to hit whoever it was poking him, but immediately regretted it as he grabbed his head and yelled in pain.

* * *

Candy giggled quietly to herself when she saw how the Master Assassin had fallen asleep and just couldn't help herself.

He had his butt in the air, knees tucked up underneath him and his face flat against the floor in nothing but his dark grey pants... and was snoring!

She quickly found herself a stick and started poking him in his cute butt as payback for throwing up on her last night.

Just the first of many punishments to come for the incidednt, mind you!

She actually felt kind of bad for him when he sat up and grabbed his head and yelled in pain.. Candy gets migraines* all the time and knows how bad they can be.

So she got him some painkillers and a glass of water before giving him a big hug and let the medicine have some time to go to work before she tortured him any more.

* * *

A few hours later we find Altair being followed around the city by our favorite (heh, yea right) red-headed author as she tries to find something to entertain herself with.

Unfortunately, her new Assassin friend wasn't biting at any of her bait.

Even when she pushed him into a guard all he did was quickly grab her and throw **her** into the guard before he could be attacked and walked away!

"ASSASSIN!" Candy and Altair both looked up in surprise as a group of guards and a Templar came after them.

Apparently Altair wasn't in the mood to fight today as he just turned around and ran, leaving the little girl on her own.. The guards didn't even seem to notice her, however and just went after the real Assassin.

She just shrugged it off and went on her way, thinking of something to do.. maybe she could start another riot with a few coins..?

* * *

As soon as the coast was clear, Altair hopped out of the haystack he'd been hiding in and started off towards his target once again.

But no sooner had he gotten out into the main street did he hear "ASSASSIN!" and saw a group of guards and a Templar coming at him.

So he ran.. again.

* * *

Candy was beginning to wonder where her Assassin friends gad disappeared to when she saw the Templar from earlier sitting on some crates, waiting for something as he kicked his legs in boredom.

Then she spotted Altair on a nearby roof and the Templar jumped up and pointed up with a shout "ASSASSIN!"

She could hear him laugh to himself as a nearby group of guards took off after Altair followed by said Templar.

Then she noticed something; all the guards and Templars carried the same weapons.. except this one. He had a pike.. and an Italian accent..

She burst out laughing at the genius of it and people stopped to stare at her, thinking she was crazy.

* * *

All day, every time he'd come out of hiding, poor Altair was spotted by a Templar and chased down by guards.

That along with his hangover was **really** pissing him off!

So the next time he saw the Templar, he pulled out his sword and took a swipe at the bastards' head, causing him to squeak "Oh merda!" and run.

(oh shit)

Altair growled and finished off the guards quickly before taking off after the 'Templar'

"Damn it EZIO! I'm going to kill you, you goddamn fruitcake!"

-

* * *

*Migraine: I can't stand it when people use this word to refer to just a headache or a bad headache! No. A **real** migraine is a headache so bad you will literally cry (I don't care how tough you are) and throw up. Light, sound and movement all make it worse and the only way to get rid of it is to knock yourself out and sleep it off.

I feel really bad for mom & brother, when they get them, it'll last for a week straight! Thank God they don't get them too often, ne?

* * *

A/N: I know it's short, but I still hope y'all like it!

Reviews and ideas are greatly appreciated!

*gives huggles and cookies*

=(^____^)=


	6. Chapter 6

sorry, not a chapter =(^__^U)=

But I had an idea and I've already started on it, but want to know what y'all think.

Here it is: I'm making Torture by Candy into a manga!

I'm putting a poll in my profile, so tell me what y'all think!

and please don't forget to send me some more ideas so I can add more to the story, ne?

*gives huggles and cookies*

=(^_____^)=


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